Living in Alignment with your Values
You're at a dinner party when someone makes a comment that conflicts with your beliefs about equality. Do you speak up and risk creating tension, or stay quiet to keep the peace? In that moment, you're facing a clash between two deeply held values - perhaps integrity and harmony. While living in alignment with our values is often highlighted as one of the most radical acts of self-compassion we can practice, it’s not always straightforward. How can we identify, prioritise, and align with our values in our personal and professional lives? And what happens when our values conflict?
Understanding Your Values
We speak of values as if they are stable and self-evident principles that are the shorthand of our identities. But for many of us, values are less explicit. Often they are absorbed - inherited from family, shaped by culture, carved subtly by our context - rather than intentional choices. Sometimes, they shift - through age, experience, or self-reflection. And some of us feel like we're navigating life without any clear sense of what truly matters most.
To name your values - to truly claim them as your own - requires self-awareness and discernment. Distinguishing what feels authentic from what has simply been expected requires courage and a level of honesty that can feel uncomfortable. And prioritising our values - especially in moments of tension - is where theory meets the real, messy terrain of life.
Discovering What Matters to You
Here's a practical approach to uncovering your authentic values:
1. Mine Your Meaningful Experiences
Think about moments when you felt truly fulfilled, grounded, or completely yourself. What was happening? What qualities were present? Maybe it was mentoring a colleague (pointing to values like growth or service) or standing up for someone being treated unfairly (suggesting justice or courage matter to you).
Equally revealing: consider times when you felt upset or conflicted. What values might have been compromised? That knot in your stomach when you stayed silent during an unfair situation might signal that integrity or advocacy are core values for you. You may struggle to alway live it, but you aspire to it.
2. Notice What Inspires You
Look at the people you admire most. What qualities do they embody that resonate with you? The activist who speaks truth to power, the teacher who shows endless patience, the friend who maintains deep loyalty - these attractions often mirror your own values.
Similarly, pay attention to causes or ideas that move you deeply. The issues that make you want to take action usually reflect something you value profoundly.
3. Identify Life Patterns
What activities, relationships, or environments make you feel most alive? Are there recurring themes in your choices, passions, or even your frustrations? Someone who consistently seeks out creative projects might value self-expression or innovation. Someone who gravitates toward helping others likely values service or compassion. When you have faced a dilemma - perhaps two pathways forward - what factors influenced your actions or direction?
4. Envision Your Ideal Life
Imagine your ideal day from start to finish. What qualities define it? Freedom to choose your schedule? Deep connections with others? Time for creative expression? Opportunities to make a difference?
Consider too how you'd like to be remembered. What would you want people to say about how you lived and the impact you made?
5. Use a Values Framework
Here are some common values to consider. Circle or note the ones that resonate most strongly, or use our Values Inventory for your reflection:
Relationship Values: Love, connection, family, friendship, community, service, empathy, compassion
Personal Growth Values: Learning, creativity, self-expression, authenticity, courage, adventure, spirituality
Achievement Values: Excellence, success, leadership, influence, recognition, competence, productivity
Stability Values: Security, tradition, order, predictability, financial stability, health, home
Freedom Values: Independence, autonomy, flexibility, choice, travel, spontaneity
Integrity Values: Honesty, justice, fairness, loyalty, responsibility, reliability, ethical behavior
Once you've identified values that resonate, narrow your list by asking: Which of these feel most essential? What would I prioritise when facing difficult decisions?
Your body often provides clues too. Authentic values typically bring a sense of ease or "rightness" when you think about them, while imposed values might feel heavy or create internal tension.
Ensuring Your Values Are Truly Yours
Having a long list of appealing values is just the beginning. The crucial next step is distinguishing your authentic values from those you've absorbed from others - family expectations, societal pressures, or cultural norms that don't actually resonate with your core self.
Test for Authenticity
Energy Check: Do these values energize you and feel meaningful, or do they feel like obligations? Authentic values often bring a sense of purpose and alignment, while external pressures typically feel restrictive or burdensome.
Origin Investigation: Trace your values back to their source. Were they instilled by parents, teachers, or societal expectations? Ask yourself honestly: Did I choose this value, or was it chosen for me?
Real-World Testing: Try living according to a value for a specific period and pay attention to how it feels. Do your actions flow naturally, or do they create internal conflict? Authentic values tend to align with your natural tendencies rather than feeling forced.
Conflict Analysis: Notice when a value conflicts with external expectations. How do you feel when you choose the value over what others expect? True values often bring clarity and self-respect, even when they go against popular opinion.
"Should" Detection: Write down any values you feel you "should" have—perhaps ambition, selflessness, or perfectionism. Ask: Does this truly matter to me, or am I trying to meet someone else's standards? Try replacing "should" with "want" to see if the value still holds weight.
Remember, it's completely normal and healthy for our values to reflect our context to some degree. The key is ensuring they genuinely resonate with who you are, not just who you think you're supposed to be.
When Values Collide: Navigating Internal Conflicts
Here's a common scenario: Your friend asks for your honest opinion about a creative project they've been working on for months. You value honesty and want to give constructive feedback about areas that could improve. But you also value kindness, and you know your friend is feeling vulnerable and might take criticism personally.
Sound familiar? Value conflicts like this are inevitable parts of authentic living, and learning to navigate them skillfully is crucial for maintaining both integrity and relationships.
A Framework for Resolving Value Conflicts
Step 1: Identify the Conflict Clearly Name the specific values in tension. In our example, it's honesty versus kindness. Write down each value and how it applies to your situation. Getting clear on exactly what's at stake helps you think through solutions more effectively.
Step 2: Consider Context and Priorities Ask yourself: Which value is more important in this specific situation? Your priorities might shift depending on circumstances. Consider the long-term impact of prioritizing one value over the other. Which choice aligns most closely with who you want to be?
Step 3: Explore Creative Solutions This is where the magic happens. Look for ways to honor both values simultaneously. In our feedback example, you might share your thoughts honestly while leading with genuine appreciation and framing suggestions with empathy and encouragement. Ask: How can I act in a way that respects both values, even if imperfectly?
Step 4: Accept Necessary Trade-Offs Sometimes, fully satisfying both values isn't possible, and that's okay. Recognize which value aligns more closely with your overarching goals or current needs. Make peace with the compromise, knowing that navigating complexity is part of authentic living.
Step 5: Learn from the Experience After making your decision, reflect on the outcome. Did your choice align with your sense of self? What felt right about your approach? What would you adjust next time? Value conflicts often teach us about our true priorities and help us refine how we express our values in the world.
Step 6: Seek Support When Needed Sometimes talking through the conflict with a trusted friend, mentor, or therapist can bring fresh insights and clarity. Other perspectives can help you see creative solutions you might have missed.
Putting It All Together
Living in alignment with your values is both an ongoing practice and a profound act of self-respect. It requires the courage to look honestly at what matters most to you, the wisdom to distinguish between authentic and inherited values, and the creativity to navigate the inevitable conflicts that arise.
Remember that this work is deeply personal and inherently dynamic. Your values may evolve as you grow and change, and that's not only normal - it's healthy. What matters most is approaching this exploration with curiosity and self-compassion, knowing that each step toward authentic living is worthwhile.
Your Next Steps
To begin applying these concepts immediately:
This week: Identify one decision you're currently facing and ask yourself which of your values are most relevant to that choice.
This month: Choose one value that resonates strongly with you and experiment with expressing it more fully in your daily life.
Ongoing: When you notice internal conflict or decision paralysis, pause and ask: "What values are at play here, and how can I honor what matters most to me?"
In the end, values are not static labels, but living commitments. We clarify them not once, but over and over, in the choices we make, the boundaries we set, and the silences we break.
