Accountability Isn’t the Enemy of Connection - It’s What Builds It
When I first started leading a team, there was one thing at the forefront of my mind: how to make giving and receiving feedback a less aversive process. I had come from a team where direct feedback was avoided at all costs - replaced by evasive decision-making, passive-aggressive behaviour, and subtle forms of exclusion. Expectations weren’t named so much as inferred, often too late. It was the emotional equivalent of working in a shark tank. In the dark. You could sense danger, but never quite see where it was coming from. I vowed to do things differently. I wanted my team to feel safe, clear, and supported. And yet, when the time came to give honest feedback, I still hesitated. Not because I didn’t believe in it - but because I hadn’t yet learned how to deliver it without fear of damaging the very trust I was trying to build
A quick scan of manager subreddits shows that I am not alone - for most managers, few tasks are as draining - or as precarious - as holding someone accountable.
You open the draft. You stare at the screen. You wonder how to say what needs to be said without sounding harsh, unfair, or cold. And so the email sits, unsent. The meeting gets postponed. The performance issue continues - unspoken, unresolved.
This hesitation is everywhere. Managers delay feedback, soften expectations, or offer vague encouragement in the hope that problems will resolve themselves. Why? Because many of us have internalised a false dichotomy: that being kind means avoiding discomfort. That accountability is somehow the opposite of care.
In reality, the most compassionate leaders know that accountability and connection aren't enemies - they're partners. In fact, accountability may be one of the deepest expressions of care we can offer at work.
The Cost of Confusing Nice with Kind
I’ve written before about how compassion is about being kind not nice. Being “nice” often means being agreeable, non-confrontational, and well-liked. But kindness is something else. Kindness is honest. Kindness is principled. Kindness is willing to be uncomfortable in service of another’s growth.
Avoiding accountability in the name of being nice is rarely harmless. It creates ripple effects:
Trust weakens. Teams lose faith in standards when underperformance goes unaddressed.
Morale drops. High performers resent carrying the load without recognition or support.
Misunderstandings multiply. People assume everything is fine - until it isn’t.
Relationships erode. The very thing we’re trying to protect - connection - starts to fray under the weight of unspoken tension.
Kind leaders hold people to high standards because they believe in their potential - not because they want to catch them out.
Compassionate Accountability: The Leadership Shift That Matters
Compassionate accountability starts with a fundamental shift: from doing something to someone, to doing something with them.
Here’s what that looks like:
Accountability as an Act of Care. Rather than being punitive, holding someone accountable is protective. It’s saying: “I see you, I believe in you, and I want to support you to do your best work.” When we sidestep honest feedback, we’re not protecting people - we’re abandoning their needs in favour of keeping things comfortable. The reality is, we are protecting ourselves. A struggling employee may feel initially stung by constructive feedback. But when feedback is delivered with care and balance, they feel seen and supported. When we name what's not working and why it matters, we give them a chance to course-correct with dignity.
Clarity Is Kindness. Unclear expectations are a breeding ground for stress, anxiety, and disengagement. One of the most compassionate things a leader can do is create shared clarity around what success looks like - and how it will be measured. Accountability is much easier when people know in advance what they’re being held accountable to.
Feedback Is an Investment. Feedback is not a verdict - it’s a gift. It’s time, attention, and belief channeled into someone’s growth. If you’ve ever been coached by someone who challenged you directly, you’ll know the difference. It doesn’t feel like criticism. It feels like someone cares.
How Accountability Builds Trust
Done well, accountability deepens relationships. Here’s why:
It fosters psychological safety. People want to know where they stand. When you name issues early and directly, it reduces ambiguity and anxiety.
It signals care. Rather than assuming someone doesn’t want feedback, compassionate leaders assume people want to grow.
It builds partnership. Accountability is not about blame. It’s about working together to solve problems, remove barriers, and realign on goals.
From Avoidance to Integrity: A Simple Framework
If you’re dreading a hard conversation, here’s a structure to help:
Set expectations early. Be clear on standards for team performance and behaviour, so that people know what they’re being held accountable to.
Normalise giving and receiving feedback. Invite regular opportunities for feedback, including about your own behaviour.
Start with connection.
“I really value your contributions on the team, especially in [specific area]. I’m bringing this up because I care about your growth and want to support your success.”Focus on behaviour.
Not: “You’re unreliable.”
Try: “I noticed that the last two reports were late, and it affected the team's ability to meet deadlines.”Collaborate on next steps.
“What’s getting in the way? What support would help? Let’s figure out a plan that works for both of us.”Be clear about consequences - without threat.
“If we don’t see a shift by [date], we’ll need to reassess. Between now and then, here’s how I’ll support you.”Follow through.
Don’t make accountability a one-time conversation. Make it a rhythm of support and reflection.
What are we so afraid of?
Many managers - including myself - avoid these conversations because of fear. Common fears include worrying that "they'll think I don't like them," but clear feedback actually shows you care, not that you're withdrawing support. We fear "they'll get defensive," and they might - but defensiveness often fades when people feel heard and respected. Many of us think "I don't know how to do it well," but it's a skill like any other that improves with practice and feedback. Perhaps most commonly, we worry "it'll damage the relationship," when in reality, avoiding the issue is what causes damage while addressing it directly can actually restore trust.
Practical Steps for Implementing Relational Accountability
If you’re ready to transform your approach to accountability, here are practical steps to get started:
For New Team Members:
Set clear expectations from day one
Establish regular check-in rhythms
Create agreements about how you'll address issues when they arise
For Existing Performance Issues:
Schedule a conversation within the next week
Prepare by focusing on specific behaviors and their impact
Approach it as a problem-solving session, not a disciplinary action
For Your Leadership Development:
Practice accountability conversations with a trusted colleague or coach
Start with lower-stakes situations to build your confidence
Ask for feedback on your approach from team members
For Your Team Culture:
Make accountability a regular part of team meetings and one-on-ones
Celebrate when people take ownership and make improvements
Share stories of how accountability conversations led to positive outcomes
The Choice Every Leader Faces
Every leader faces this choice: avoid difficult conversations to preserve surface-level peace, or lean into compassionate accountability to build deeper, more authentic relationships.
The paradox is that the very conversations we fear will damage relationships are often the ones that strengthen them most. When we show up consistently with care, clarity, and commitment to mutual success, we discover that accountability isn't the enemy of strong relationships - it's the foundation upon which they're built.
Your team members don't need you to be their friend. They need you to be someone who cares enough about their success to tell them the truth, support their growth, and hold them to high standards. That's not just good leadership; it's good relationship building.
The question isn't whether you should hold people accountable. The question is whether you care enough about them to do it with compassion, clarity, and genuine investment in their success.
Reflection Questions
How might your relationships with team members change if you approached accountability as an act of care rather than criticism? What difficult conversation have you been avoiding, and how could you reframe it as an investment in someone's success?
